AUTHENTICITY MONTH: 31 in 31 Challenge: PROJECT ORGASMATRON by Madame Rosebud 10.2.12

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“Yes, that is absolutely a vibe in my purse.”

(This challenge is for female-bodied readers, as their plumbing is designed for this kind of challenge, and there is debate about how healthy it is for the male body)

My mother and I have this joke that has become a source of much laughter in my adult years.  “When in doubt, do #4.”  It’s really an inside joke between she and my father.  You see, back when they were new parents they, like a lot of fellow baby boomers, became interested in holistic medicine.  They picked up a book full of DIY preparations, lists of things to cure common ailments…and sure enough, on almost every list, #4 was “sex with orgasm.”  My mother’s response to every health issue then for some time was, “Oh, well we better #4, then.”  She shared this with me years after I moved out of the house, partly to make me laugh and partly because she was shocked that even at the age of 23 I didn’t and wouldn’t masturbate.  I couldn’t figure it out, I told her.  “Why do people even do it?”

Really, I was hiding with humor the truth, which was: I really didn’t like touching myself.  Anywhere.  I had never reaped the benefits of either self love, or of love from another.  At 23 I still had not had an orgasm.  When I admitted to my mother that I didn’t ever indulge myself, I thought my abstinence would be a point of pride.  Instead, my mother was aghast.  “You never?!  Oh dear, you need to fix that.”  You see, even though I’d internalized a lot of my religious upbringing, my mother had always been very open and supportive of me having heteronormative sexual experiences.  I distinctly remember her telling me at age 6 that she didn’t want me to marry the first man I slept with.  I needed to, in her words, “check under the hood before buying the car.”

Looking back, our birds and bees talks always focused on the interaction between me and my hypothetical male lover.  Self love, though not taboo, was never discussed because my mother assumed I would figure it out on my own.  I never knew that I should have just been doing it all the time.  People around me only ever talked about boys engaging in it.  When I was on the volleyball team in junior high, there was never a peep about it in the locker room.  Only who was a slut and who had the coolest sunglasses.

I will never know if, had it been openly advocated during my childhood, I would have practiced it with regularity.  But I do know that after I learned that I should be doing it, I couldn’t.  Whenever my hands trailed over my body to seek answers, I only ever felt one thing: disgust.  Old demons I thought I’d banished a long time ago awoke to threaten my fragile happiness.  “I’m too fat to feel good, I’m ugly naked, my vagina feels gross, and worst of all, I have to do this because no one else wants to touch me.  I’m pathetic.”  When these are the thoughts chasing themselves around in your head, having an orgasm is the last thing on your mind!

So I gave up for a few more years.  I focused on other things.  I came out, I fell in love with myself and am proud to have had many orgasms.  Now when I touch my body, I feel something that arouses me.  I excite myself, hopefully the way you excite yourself under the touch of your own hand.  I’m thrilled to be able to report this progress…and yet the act of masturbation itself still has not become a common part of my self love ritual.  I chalk this up to habit.  And what a bad habit to have.

In an effort to break this habit, for the month of October I will be committing to a 31 in 31 challenge.  I will masturbate to orgasm at least once a day, and document every Monday what the benefits, effects and difficulties of carrying out this challenge.  Sexual encounters with others don’t count, and stimulating oneself to multiple orgasm counts as 1.  If you feel compelled to give more to yourself, do!  But you can’t make up for a missed day by doubling up.

I know for a lot of my sex worker friends, this will seem passe.  I’m grateful to know so many female-bodied people now who love “loving” themselves, and regularly treat themselves to new toys and special “self date nights.”  But I know this behavior is not the norm, not yet at least…

If you like my idea, I urge you to take the challenge with me!  Come hell or high water, no matter if it’s a good or bad day, whether you feel sexy or not, make yourself feel loved.

XO

(Next Monday I will discuss health effects for female-bodied people)