The Desperate Kingdom of Love

When I was 19 I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend that enjoyed manipulating reality to absolve himself of guilt or responsibility and directed due blame at me.  He’d turn every issue into something that was, actually, my fault and he enjoyed controlling me, and I — 19 years old — didn’t see it happening.  After I left him for a witch I met that worked in the same mall as me at Hot Topic, I fell in love but he wasn’t able to do a relationship, so we ended in a flurry of tears.

Every guy I dated after that was either perfect or awful.  Cody was a good boy.  Larry was insane, but to his credit so was I at the time.  After a handful of relationships, both good and bad, I came to understand things about myself that weren’t healthy that only manifested when I was with someone; jealousy, possessiveness, hypocritical thinking.  I had a boyfriend when I first moved to New York, and we broke up almost immediately.  I am told by everyone who has known him the last five years that he has turned into an arrogant sketchy asshole.  He was a good boy when he was with me, but I was, again, crazy.  I e-mailed him last year to tell him that, despite the pettiness on both sides of our break up, I hope nothing but wonderful things for him.  Maybe that was a weird thing to do?  I don’t know.  All I know is I don’t need a grudge in the back of my head; it happened, it’s over, and sometimes things just end; the end.  Bury the hatchet.  Bury the hatchet.

I took five years off from dating to focus on me.  Well, me and work.  I realized that I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could have a meaningful, healthy relationship, and so I began doing things that made me happy and that I enjoyed.  I read somewhere once “If you are looking for love, don’t.  You’ll find love when you start doing things you love.”

In these last five years I have found my smile.  I see colors that I never saw before and I hear sounds in silence.  I discovered that this feeling I’ve always had in me was a love for life, and I wanted to share that love with the world.  My friends feel it — I surround my friends with love and joy and I never want to see them upset.  My life is busy but simple.  Everyday I come home and sit on my roof and watch the sun set.

So I finally met someone that caught my interest for more than a minute.  He is a wonderful person and extremely beautiful, and when I’d make him smile I felt as though I owned the entire fucking galaxy.  But there were problems, and the problems became bigger than me, and in the process my smile was misplaced.

I’m not really into posting boohoo woe is me stuff.  I am not a being of regret and despair.  Come to me for a smile, come to me to laugh till your face hurts, dance with me and hold my hand.  I do not root myself in negativity and complaining.  I took five years off and realized this; we really don’t have much time at all.

But I guess you can say that this is an exception to the rule.  I am sad, for multiple reasons.  Forgotten feelings got hurt,  tears shed.  So this is a reality blog, and my reality right now is this; I met someone I liked, it didn’t work out, and now I am bummed.  There I admitted it, I’m not immune.

I sometimes wholeheartedly believe that I am dumb.  Everything seems like it could be so simple to me, and everyday I think of all the things I want to do and I do them.  But I must be dumb because I don’t see too many other people out there doing that.  I’m going home each day happy and thinking “I did that day right!”  Meanwhile it seems that everyone else in this city spends their time complaining and being cynical.  I will not waste my time with that.  You may go ahead and complain, I will have wine.  Also I take a free annual IQ test online and consistently score above 150 so go fuck yourself.

I have a habit of putting myself out on a limb for a guy that I like.  I am a pretty tough cookie and can take a beating, and perhaps I stay in the game longer than I should.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I know this city, it’s a tough place to date.  Everyone is jaded, nobody trusts anyone else.

I am a difficult person to date, I’m told.  I get it, I get it.  But I’m a nice person.  I’m a good egg.  That’s all I promise; I’ll be good.

I can feel my optimism returning to me.  I know what is there for me tomorrow; a friend who lives five feet from me who will always cherish me as much as I cherish him, a memory of a beautiful boy smiling at me in the shower, the sunset falling down on my roof.

I was in the process of making him a CD because I am that gay.  This was the first track I added to it, I would listen to it on repeat everyday when I walked around the city, but now it just makes me miss things.

The Desperate Kingdom of Love

I’m going to bed.  I hope I dream of being able to fly.

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